So, I thought -what can I do if I am up all night?
I wanted to go out somewhere, I felt like I had been away from the great outdoors for ages. And I wanted a fire.
But we are in the middle of a heatwave, and the risk of setting fire to the great outdoors is high at the moment, so where could I do this safely? On a beach! And I had one night to do this.
So, having chosen 'a beach' I had to decide which beach, and I immediately came up with Morfa Dyffryn, although it is 2 hours away from where I live I stuck with this (and there are closer beaches) because I know where it is, I know the layout of the beach, I have been there drumming before, and I know it to be a safe beach in terms of being able to go in the water and not be swept away or get stuck in mud or quicksand when the tide turns.
I love the drive there, through the Denbigh moors, past Bala and Llyn Tegid, and around Cader Idris, across the Mawddach Estuary and up the coastline of west Wales. This feels like my sacred landscape, and sometimes, like I am driving through time itself.
I got to the beach just after sunset, it was almost full moon, and as I set foot on the beach, she was high in the sky and the sea was still and flat, reflecting her pale silver glow like a rippled mirror.
I decided to build my fire on the tidal part of the beach, that way, when the tide came in, after dawn, it would make sure that it was all put out. I had brought a bit of wood with me, and I easily found more as I went beach-combing, and I set it all out handy to make a fire, and I unpacked the few things I had brought with me around it to set up a base for the night, digging in the sand to make a fire-bowl around the wood, and getting everything ready for after my swim
I stripped off and headed off to the waters edge, carefully stepping in and wading out. In the moonlight I could see that if I looked down, I could see all the way down to the bottom, the water was very clear. All around me was darkness, other than from above - I was under the Milky Way and the moon was directly ahead, and I was wading out into a silvery shimmer of reflected moonlight. There were small splashed all around me, and as I began to swim, I realised that I was swimming in a shoal of small fishes that were jumping out of the water and skimming the surface, dancing in the moonlight themselves. I looked back at the dunes where I had made my base. No lights, no sign of people even existing, other than me, and I called out to the gods of Land, Sea and Sky.
I swam for a while then floated on my back, gazing up to the moon and the stars, swimming through her silvery waters. I relaxed and just floated, and felt like I was being pulled and spun around.
I didn't want to end up all out at sea, so I stood on my feet again, and as I looked up, the stars were indeed spinning round and round me, it didn't feel so good, so I floated again, and they all stood still, which was better for me, but I still felt like I was spinning myself, just keeping in time with the circling stars.
Regaining my feet again, I stood still. The moon was still. The stars however were spinning in circles above me, faster and faster, round and round, and I felt very giddy and unsteady, and I needed to get ashore, so I staggered my way out, through the jumping fishes, through the moonlit water back to land, where I knew I wouldn't drown if I passed out! I started to feel sick, I was that giddy with the stars still spinning around me in circles.
Land. Safety. Must make it back to where my base is. I felt so entirely weak and drained. Like I was staggering back. I got back to where my travel rug was laid out, wondering what the tap-tap-tap noise was, but needing to be wrapped up before I got cold, and, pulling my blanket out of the bag, realised that the whole place was covered with sand - hoppers. And I mean - covered.
http://youtu.be/B4ZqZHpo0TE
(this is not my video)
(this is not my video)
Chucking everything onto the rug, I managed to pull it slowly up the beach, out of the firm tidal area, into soft sand. I could barely keep on my feet, I felt so week. Tipping everything onto the sand I wrapped myself in the blanket, laid down and closed my eyes so that the world wasn't spinning any more. I felt weak and hungry like I hadn't eaten for a week.
After a while, I have no idea how long, I woke up, feeling better but thinking - if I don't get the fire going, I will surely die, so I struggled out of my blanket and made the fire and lit it, and I soon had a roaring fire going, throwing out plenty of light and heat, and again I wrapped myself up in my blanket, and curled up round the fire, keeping warm and feeling dozy and safe again.
After a while I opened my eyes again, feeling 100% better. As I lay there I could see the moon dipping towards the sea, turning orange on the horizon and sinking beneath the waves. I pulled out my drum and drummed as she sank. And then - it was pitch black.
I sat and stared at the stars for a while, watched a meteorite fall through the sky behind me and then wondered what to do. I had had ideas of rituals to do and had brought my kit - but I didn't feel like it, so I sat there and drummed, burned incense and drummed some more, did a bit of visualisation, and then just lay down by the fire and felt at one with the beach and the dunes, and I just stayed there til all the wood was gone and dawn was starting to creep into the sky behind me.
Covering the fire over, I made my way into the dunes where i would be able to see the sun rise, but decided to look instead out to sea so that I would be able to see the dolphin... Nothing was happening in the sea, so I had a wander around and then came back to my vantage point, and as I was thinking to myself "Hey -what dolphin?", I saw a black shape splash out of the water just off the beach. And again. And again... and I sat there watching as a Harbour Porpoise patrolled up and down the beach where I had been before, generally 'porpoising' but it did also breach the water and splash back down again. And then I realised that mosquitoes also come alive at dawn, not just at sunset, and I was being eaten alive, so i ran down to the beach again to be free of them.
The horizon to the East held the Snowdonia mountains, so the sun would take a while to reach over them, I stayed on the beach until it was really bright, and hoping that the mosquitoes would have gone by then, I ran back up to the dunes to get some photos and sit for a while. It must have been about 6am by then.
My ankle started to swell up by one of the bites, so I decided it was time to go while I could still walk and drive
I've just written about the physicality of being there and what the beach taught me.
Stay off the tidal zone - in the dark it becomes alive with sandhoppers. On my way back to the car I found the stripped body of a seagull, and I have no doubt in my mind that if I had fallen asleep on their part of the beach, I would have woken up missing an arm or some vital organs.
Midges and Mosquitoes are also active at dawn!
The soft sandy part of the beach is for people!
I don't know what happened with the spinning stars and feeling ill, I did feel like I was the only person alive then, like I had to rely on myself and my own resources. Through the night and on my journey to get to the beach I had a lot of my personal issues come up and confront me, and I sorted a lot of things out in my head.
It was a good night, and I went home feeling like I had stepped out of my life for a while, and had returned totally refreshed.
